JesterScribe Kitchen: Recipes That Actually Get Made

Tuna and Egg Skillet Patties

Ingredients

• 1 can tuna, thoroughly drained.
• 1 egg
• 1/2 of a small onion, chopped
• Flour: a few tablespoons or so, adjusted as needed for binding
• 1/4 cup breadcrumbs (mixed into the batter for binding)
• Extra breadcrumbs for coating the outside of each formed patty
• Salt and pepper to taste
• 1–2 tablespoons olive oil for frying

Binding logic: If you're using breadcrumbs only on the outside, you'll need more flour inside to hold things together. If you're out of flour completely, the internal breadcrumb amount increases until the mixture stops acting like wet sand and starts acting like food again.

Steps

1. Drain the tuna. the drier, the better. Be sure to give the tuna-water to your cat, if you have one.
2. In a bowl, combine tuna, egg, chopped onion, salt, and pepper.
3. Add flour and mixed-in breadcrumbs gradually until the mixture holds together without dripping or crumbling. You're aiming for a soft-but-holding-together meatball consistency.
4. Put some extra breadcrumbs on a plate. Form small patties and gently press each patty into the breadcrumbs to coat the exterior.
5. Heat 1–2 tablespoons of olive oil in a frying pan over medium heat.
6. Place patties in the pan and cook until the underside is golden and crisp, about 3–4 minutes. Flip and repeat. You may need to add more oil as you go.
7. Serve hot. These are great with sauce, on bread with mayo, or eaten quickly with your bare hands while standing over the stove like some kind of website-making-bastard who is consuming something beyond adderall and alsohol for first time all week.

3-Ingredient Peanut Butter Cookies

These are the cookies you make when you want cookies immediately and are too broke and/or too depressed for some kind of twelve-ingredient, hour-and-a-half-needing bullshit.

Ingredients

• 1 generous cup peanut butter
• 1 cup sugar
• 1 egg
• (Optional) A dash of vanilla extract, if you happen to be living large

Steps

1. Preheat oven to 350°F.
2. In a bowl, mix all ingredients until it becomes a fairly uniform dough.
3. Roll dough between hands into small balls however big you like your cookies.
4. Place on greased or parchment-papered baking sheet, and flatten each ball with a fork into that nice little crisscross pattern.
5. Bake 12–15 minutes. They will be soft when they come out; let them cool a bit so they hold their shape.
6. Eat cookies.

No-Knead Cast-Iron Dutch-Oven Bread

This is a straightforward, no-knead bread recipe designed for a cast-iron Dutch oven. The process relies on long rising times rather than physical kneading.

Ingredients

• 4 cups flour (unbleached preferred)
• Extra flour for dusting
• 2 cups lukewarm water
• 1 packet dry active yeast
• 1/2–1 tablespoon salt, depending on preference
• Olive oil for coating the bowl
• (Optional) small amount of honey to encourage yeast activity

Steps

1. Stir the yeast into the lukewarm water until dissolved. Add honey if using. Let rest for 4–5 minutes.
2. Combine the flour and salt in a large bowl.
3. Slowly pour the yeast mixture into the dry ingredients, mixing with one hand or a spatula until a rough dough forms. If the dough is too wet, add small amounts of flour. If too dry, add small amounts of water.
4. Coat the inside of the bowl lightly with olive oil. Place the dough inside, cover with a clean cloth, and let rise for 1.5–2 hours or until doubled in size.
5. Use a rubber spatula to scrape the dough from the sides of the bowl and fold it inward repeatedly around the circumference.
6. Cover again and let rise for another 1.5 hours or until doubled.
7. Dust your hands lightly with flour, turn the dough out of the bowl, and form it into a loose round loaf.
8. Place the dough into a lightly oiled and lightly floured bowl with the seam side facing down. Cover and let rise for 1–1.5 hours.
9. While the dough completes its final rise, place the Dutch oven (with lid) into the oven and preheat to 400°F for 30–45 minutes.
10. When ready, lightly dust the top of the dough with flour and a small amount of olive oil.
11. Carefully remove the hot Dutch oven from the oven. Transfer the dough into the pot with the seam side down.
12. Cover with the lid and bake for 30–35 minutes. Remove the lid and bake for an additional 15 minutes or until the top is golden brown.
13. Remove the bread from the Dutch oven and allow it to cool for 7–10 minutes before slicing.